What It Actually Means to “Regulate” Your Emotions

(and how your window of tolerance helps)

You’ve probably heard the phrase “regulate your emotions” in therapy spaces or online—but let’s be honest: what does that really mean?

It can sound like one of those vague mental health buzzwords. Like… am I supposed to be calm all the time? Or just not cry in public?

Here’s the truth: regulating your emotions isn’t about shutting them down or fixing them. It’s about riding the wave without getting totally pulled under. And one of my favorite ways to explain this is by using a concept from trauma work called the window of tolerance.

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So What Is the Window of Tolerance?

Imagine your emotional world lives inside a “window.”

When you’re inside that window, you feel present and grounded. You can think clearly, feel feelings without being overwhelmed, and respond in ways that align with who you are.

But when you’re outside of your window, it’s hard to function:

• You might feel anxious, panicky, or irritable (hyperaroused)

• Or you might go numb, shut down, or freeze (hypoaroused)

Regulating your emotions means helping yourself stay within your window—or come back to it when life pushes you out.

Below is a Video I recorded to help demonstrate how to “regulate” your emotions using the Window of Tolerance

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 Two Helpful Metaphors: Ocean Waves & Emotions Like Colors 

Emotions are like Ocean waves:

You can’t stop them from coming, but you can learn how to surf them—without being thrown overboard. Some waves are small and pass easily, while others feel huge, crashing over you with force. But even the biggest wave eventually rises, peaks, and falls. The more you practice noticing the rhythm of your emotional waves—without fighting them—the better you become at staying balanced, steady, and grounded through the storm. You don’t have to control the ocean; you just have to stay present and trust that you can ride it out.

Emotions are like colors 

Emotions are like colors—they’re not good or bad, they just are. Each one adds depth and meaning to our experience, much like every color contributes to a full and vibrant painting. We naturally have preferences; some emotions feel comfortable, like joy or calm—similar to the soft or neutral colors we love wearing. Others, like anger, grief, or anxiety, can feel bold or overwhelming—like a loud neon shade we’re not sure how to sit with. But that doesn’t mean they’re bad. Every color has a place on the spectrum, and so does every emotion. Just like a painting needs contrast and variety to have richness and beauty, we need the full range of emotions to live a full, human life. You wouldn’t shame a color for being too much, so why shame a feeling? When we stop trying to paint over the uncomfortable shades and allow all emotions to exist—without judgment—we become more whole, authentic, and grounded in who we are.

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8 Practical Steps To Regulate Your Emotions